new friend

 It was November 2020. I received a Superlike in Tinder by this one mystery guy who didn't show his face but just enough to show that he has beard and working in some kind of pipeline..? Well, I usually swiped left for any guys who didn't reveal his face but this one, I swiped right. And I am grateful for that. 

This guy, M, was so persistent that he finally deserved my number. We texted on Whatsapp and Ya Allah, he is soo funny! He reminded me about Orange at some points but better I guess..? On the first day we Whatsapp, I just shoot up all the important questions and I was fully aware that - he is duda, with 2 kids, has a few ex-girlfriends prior. And he has no expectation per se for our relationship which was good for me since I was still confused with my own situation with A. 

We've been texting everyday since.. 

And drum roll ~

I think I've started to like him 😭😭

I hate this. I hate being the one who has this feeling first in a relationship. Not quite sure if I'm the first tho. He always cheekily saying this & that about us being together etc; despite he was also fully aware of my situation with A. 

And now, I feel like my feeling is far greater than what he has for me (if any) and I don't like it! It is only now that I realize that I'm not okay with a long-distance relationship. Man... I keep having unnecessary thought about him having other girls in his chats etc - -  I mean, who am I? And who is he yang aku sibuk nak jeles tak tentu pasal?? 😭

I have never been in any relationship before, is this how we are supposed to feel? I remember my heart was feeling heavy when he sent me a video of a baby - my mind was doing all those unnecessary assumptions - is this his kid? if this is his kid, that means he is at his ex-wife's house. what if they get back together again? what if all this while their relationship is getting better? You know, all those thoughts. And turned out, the baby was his niece. 

I hate this.

I've become the girl who gets upset when he replied late & lost in my own thoughts about all the possibilities of his activity over there. I know it is unhealthy but trust me, I'm trying. I'm even struggling! 

And the reason I'm here tonight? He just texted saying that his kid is being admitted to the hospital due to diarrhea. And here I am feeling sad thinking that he is meeting her ex-wife..